Break Up

She mentioned the possibility of breaking up. To get me out. Needless to say, I'm feeling evil about it. I remembered originally why I grew my hair out now. Because after the first incident with glaston I did'nt care anymore about much of anything. I literally had to teach myself how to live again. And my hair was reflecting it.

Climax

I'm worried about the abortion and not only questioning myself on going ahead with it but I'll never be able to forgive myself if she becomes infertile because of it. I love her so much. Her moms passed away now and her sister on saturday will be making jasmine go to the doctors to take a pregnancy test. She's says if she's pregnant she's out. BITCH. Meanwhile when she was pregnant she's supposed to be out the house anyway. She's fuckin GROWN. But no... she wants her boyfriend to move in. And on top of all that she's mrs. guess. Lol, I knew she was'nt who she said she is. I feel half intelligent now. I'm sure after saturday I'll get an e-mail or 2 about her. I don't care, if she gets put out she can stay here atleast. I don't want her to go to shoeman's center. and I'm just lost on what else to do. Somehow, I think her sister-in-law would let her stay with her but well see what'll happen.

Contrast

Thing I want to change

Eventually I want highlights. I'm think about using blue-green or some strange warm color. An aquaitence on myspace has purple ones and I would do it but, ehh, it feels like its her trademark for some reason. Well I can afford to have it done now, so, I will do it.

Also I don't do that soon... I am getting my hair cut.

Trinium

Day Before Yesterday

Girlfriend and me hung out earlier in the day for the second day in a row. I was quite suprised we could pull it off but it was great. We got alot better at sex, that's for sure. We also learned alot about each other today. Her mother might be passing away by the end of the year. She's going through the same type of thing that I went through on my pops funeral. We went out to eat at the original hot dog shop later and got a HUGE thing of fries. I went over ages house yesterday after seeing her again downtown. She seems to get the point but.....eh she's not to be trusted on that area for sure. my second day at work was pretty decent. I was pooped and I had on boots but I made it.

Yesterday

BBG came over again today for the third day in a row. I love her so damn much. We went to sleep first ,naturally, because I was so pooped after work last night. (I work from 11pm to 7am) I was originally worried about not being able to see jasmine after work because of the timing but I realize now that I get there at what time she gets there, so I'm actually pretty happy. I was swamped at work, and I swear today I need to break my habit of working slow. Well, besides that I just want to say that life is good.

Today

People, I think i just had a dream about the nintendo Wii. wow.... Well I'm praying for a decent turkey day.

Lament of Innocence

She kissed me. Adrianna friggin forced a kiss on me. I've got to tell jasmine otherwise my conscious won't be clean. AAAH!!!! On top of that now she knows I still feel the same way as before. I just don't trust her all the way because I don't get her completely. If you asked me specifacially what, I'd say, IDK. But there is something about her thats very random to me but I'm sure to her is just logic. But between that and the whole incident from before I'm wary of her. I mean without taking into consideration that I'm in love with the most wonderful girl on the planet.

Mono

This birthday was nice. Jasmine came over early today. We did it on my birthday. I wanted to have more time, but then again, that's a recurring theme so I think I'll stop saying that so much. She left and left a bag over my place with a card, 3 packs of junk food (mmm... I love junk food), and a bracelet/watch. :) The suprise definetly worked because while I saw the bag i really had no clue until I saw the card after I droped her off at school and went back home. I wanted to thank her in person on friday before light-up night started but I could'nt because her dad picked her up from school, but IDK. I'll probably see her on monday so I'll thank her then. Worst comes to worst, I'll ninja it, heh. I got a message from the mysterious person today, I'm not sure whether it's glaston or not but I know they are talking to glaston. So I told them that and if it is glaston that I don't trust him. They said that she had sex with glaston and he told them that. Between that and what Kathy said about "getting a test" I realized that I am partly scared on it. But then again, I've slept with other people than her so I can't complain. This birthday year's theme is Eliminating the fear. Because it's that which holds me back. Other than seeing jasmine on my birthday I had a job interview at giant eagle get-go and I hung out with janaya and my nana.

Finishing

I've learned that I am a person with alot of ideas today. An idea came to me today and I find myself happy about it. I just need to make it a reality. Also I'll be working my ass off completing mugen today. And I'll release it tonight. YAY!!!

Interview Escalation

Girlfriend came over today. That was nice, we both needed that pretty badly. Yesterday I saw Adrianna later, I still need to give her a gift. Blah, at this rate it'll be after thanksgiving not to mention I might not be able to see her in concert on my birthday which I can't wait to go to. Sheesh. Well speaking of money I called shiela up about the job last night and she said I have an interview on friday and I'm to call a number she gave me. I was like WHOA!!!! So I'm guessing Shiela put in a really good word for me. Also it's on baum blvd not in the south side, which I was lead thinking. Though it's all the same to me considering I can see my girlfriend before and after work. Which it seems like I can with this scedule, YAY! Well not much else is up. Besides the job interview and the obvious seeing BBG this morning that's all. Oh, I've discovered that I'm beginning to despise phones and I'm definetly going to the family reunion this year. I also saw heaven, on the bus ride up to my grandma's (taking her garbage out) that....sucked. I don't know why but I do not like being around that girl. I left her a subtle hint about the Kathy thing in spite, and left that alone for the rest of the ride. Also in other news I saw kayla later adn she almost ran me over and I'm playing savage, which is a really decent free fps/rts hybrid online game.

Harmony of Dissonance

Today was alright. I finally saw jasmine again today and just 4 days felt like an eternity. I gave her all my old journal entries and I realized that I sensored alot of myself because of Alicia. (not her fault, my fault that I did things worth censoring) So jasmine was thinking I viewed her as a little freshman meanwhile back then I'm trying to force her into "sister mode" in my head just to keep myself from getting my hopes up. Ha! I'm glad I cleared that up before she left home.

Speaking of which today was really hard for me to let her go home. I wonder if I'll ever completely snap and say "don't go" again. Come to think about it I've never broke down in front of someone like that before, or, well, ever. Geez, I show Jasmine so much I never show anyone else about my personality and me. I want to know everything about her and vice versa I can. Well let me stop talking about how great my girlfriend is (I exclaimed today downtown after getting off the bus from seeing her "there is a perfect girl and her name is Jasmine Paolino and I am the luckiest man in the world to have her as my girlfriend again." ) not much else is new. Kathy came over with Athena and we hung out and watched/made fun of hentai. Athena hands belong to a god, that girl gives the best massages in the world.

She reminded Kathy and me of our "long story" (almost went together but did'nt because an ex lied about me) That was a bit akward, not that I don't trust her and to be honest I really want us to double date sometime when Jasmine gets the time. She kept advising that I make jasmine get a test to make sure it's my kid. Um, I do believe I can be pretty sure considering she has'nt had sex with anyone but me. Then again Kathy is that kind of person so I can't really take it personally. I'm preparing for my birthday and I'll be seeing about working at giant eagle get-go tonight. I love my life.

Scott Free

Well people there are somtimes in a relationship where you are put through amazing hard times... well, I think god said "you've had enough of those, have a cookie" My girlfriend is pregnant. With our kid. Wow. She's decided an abortion is the best thing and I agree. A child right now would ruin her life. What else...hmmm.... oh, and we are getting her protection. (Condoms are the latexy spawn of Satin!!!) Though if you don't have an alternative, use em'.


I miss her so damn much right now. We had 4 days without seeing each other and it's been hell. Just thinking about the summer coming up gives me chills. But I'm happy because I know that we are together now, and I know that we'll stay that way. Because theres a place for each other that we fill that otherwise can't be filled.

interlude

Yay, I got the money for mackenzie and am waiting for my aunt to come and pick me up so I can charge my card. She called me today and I feel bad because I rushed her off the phone while I did'nt have time to explain everything to her about jasmine and me. Life is good. I need to be drug tested tommorrow. oh and I could be a dad. yeah, I = :O.

Smile

This has been a great week. Jasmine got to come over and we had the best sex either of us has ever had. I'm sure that anyone else I've ever had sex with ears are ringing right now but I don't care. It was unbelievably great.

I learned today that she skipped her period and she might be pregnant. I know what from atleast. I hope she isn't. I don't want the teenage mother life for her. I want her to go to college and follow her dreams. Not to mention with the way her family over-reacts to seemingly everything. A baby between us right now = not good. Though if she is actually pregnant than I don't have a problem rising up to the role. I love her.

I learned a week ago the real reason why Shielas brother was put in jail over the stautory rape issue. It was because he was over the age difference limit. (4 years) So I actually am safe. I'm not going to bother to tell her because I don't think it'll get anywhere. But I've done enough research to atleast say that I'm confident in this.

Adrianna is acting jealous and though I'm flattered I'm more pissed than flattered at her. She becoming more atraccted to me again but as far as I consider it. I love jasmine and I'm not thinking about dating or going with anyone but her. Who is she to say a 2 and a half age difference is too much. and right after I visit her. Yeah it wasn't enough of a difference for her when we made out those few times.

I visited nana and got a coffee pot w/ coffee and creamer. I've got a nice cup of joe next to my pc now. God did I need some coffee. Today I'll be husling some cash together for Mackenzie and getting tested for drugs for my new job at sears. I'll be talking to jasmine once my schedule gets figured out about seeing her in the mornings on tuesdays and thursdays. Other than that, let society be damned. I'm going to start living, and stop being static.

Prelude - The intro/BIO

Hey, I know there isn't anyone reading this yet but eventually I hope to have this blog be extremely popular due to the info I'll be putting in it. This is me. I'm 19 and my name is Shane Levin. This is the second blog I've done and this one will.... BE DIFFERENT! I will be doing alot of posting involving everything about my dramatic ass life life to little tech tips and things. (Usually under the label "guides")

I will be releasing a guide on this site every tuesday and thursday if it kills me so be sure to stop by then. Otherwise the posts about my life should be up almost everyday as long as I have the time to write about it. Well I suppose I should tell you guys about me now. There is alot to say yet as usual I find myself losing the words to say it. Well I'll start with a brief summary.

This is me in august of 2003 at a family reunion. I'm 15 at the time of this picture. (with my sister) Back then I had little to no fashion sense and while I was very smart with computer's faultered with conversing communicating with other human beings. Since I was 13 or so I was diagnosed with an aucute form of autism called asperger's syndrome. (a mental disorder) Basically it means that I was supposed to have alot of trouble reading non-verbal cues, determining proper body space, my 5 senses are what psychiatrists would call overly sensitive, (though now I find it very useful) I supposedly skipped over the obssesive routines thing , (minus an unhealthy addiction to tenchi muyo; the one show I ever watched on tv consistently back then.) and I'm supposed to have difficulty with change (but besides my ex-girlfriend "now girlfriend again :)" breaking up with me last year, I can't think of anything I've had difficulty change-wise with). I was given a tss, mobile therapist, and case manager to help me out then with that. While I can't remember any autism problems being solved, it sure did build charater being around so many inspiring people. Bob (the TSS) came the most and we always chill out and play video games. He originally sucked but he got better and we always talked well about things. He became somewhat of a father to me after my Great Grandfathers death.

Which by the way I suppose I should mention him and my grams too. My pops was a great man. (I call him pops because when i was a child I called him papa) He served in ww2 on a naval ship and really gave me everything he had. I did'nt want to impress anyone more than him. He took me around by car everywhere I wanted/needed to go, and got me anything I asked for. He spoiled me rotten and he was my god in the eyes of my childhood. He always opposed the "mental treatment plan" saying there was nothing wrong with me and he was the only one that did, and now that I look back on it I'm so glad he did. It kept me sane with at least a little bit of confidence. He had the right idea about arguement with my grams too. "AVOID THEM!!" though I'd get mad that if we (me and her) were into it with each other his opinion meant little to my grams unless it was on her side.

My Great Grandmother (nana)was also a great person. She grew up around the time of the depression from what she described it as. She was involved in the arts. Ceramics mainly for a while and even had a show at the local library. She was a nurse for a good bit of her life and while ironically never acting out the sweet ol gal' grandmother stereotype, it made a major impact on my personality later. (when I decided to act with a stable one; as I'd call it) We are both arguementive (she argues, I don't let her win... ever) when living together though now that I'm out we are somewhat close. She is in every eccense of the word "her own person" and is the godfather, don-huan, queen, of the family.

My family is semi-small but only because we only communicate to people directly connected to my NANA just because those are the only people we regularly see around. (we only go down the family tree, not up, over and down) There are my aunts and an uncle with my grandma and cousins. My aunt april and cousin shawna were the 2 closest family originally. Shawna being because she grew up with me (my nana babysitted her) and april because I went on vacation with her and shawna every year for a while.

There is my aunt lori, (computer guru, but not very sociallable + little street smarts) Jackie, (my favorite aunt, always there for me, and helped me find the apartment I'm typing this from, who I mistaked for my mom as a kid once, lol) Lisa (my grandmother's sister's daughter, that was very nice to me and was into filesharing before me even) Her kids and my cousins; Jaquaye, Jaray, Jessica, and Jamiya, whom together with me and shawna make up our generation of this family. Also there is my aunt elaine, (my grandma's sis, whom has gotten very good with pc's and the net) my grandma brenda (whom I'm not very close with, but still has much love for) and my dead *thank god* grandpa Jack (whom to say the least, was dislikes heavily due to his actions) Oh, and also there is my uncle earl (whom I find hard to describe) and my mother. (who'll I'll be getting to now)

I know now without a doubt that I had low self-esteem about asscioting with people as a child and only that. I was above-adverage in everything I did and ironically due to my own lazyness my grade reflected like a broken mirror; poorly! My Gma/pa did'nt know when i had homework because i lied enough to turn it into a multi-million dollar profession. My english teacher was so suprised to see me turn it homework once she exclaimed "Dear God" when she noticed my paper on top of the stack. This women also was the first to take "for shame, for shame" and work my name into it. (as a playful negativeis if I remember it right) Well anyway school life was hell for me. I was very quite and whenever I talked alking to someone I'd be so relived I'd get hyper and scare them away.

Except adults, them I'd normally talk around in perfect english about things that would astonish them to hear. (biology, compters, what's truth, etc) Everyone around my age was usually materialistic, I avoided everyone do to thinking that most people were like that around my age in school. I'd be made fun of due to wearing high waters and tight pants with some payless shoes and never matching. I'd fight and never throw a punch when it came to the fighting portion of it. (I was stunned, scared, and astonished my the pain issue) I never felt pain like most people so I never dealt with it until most recently. In what was actually my first fight I fought seriously in. I lied about it to everyone, gomen. (sorry in japanese) I never trusted a single soul in school and turned into a bit of a class clown since I craved the attention. What I really wanted was friendship but I was 2 dumb to realize thats why I did it. So maybe thats where my semi-attractive form of sarcasm comes from.

I wanted a girlfriend since i saw tenchi muyo and on.(thats not the exact point but I know it's around then) and I ended up liking a girl called Shaina in school. I'd get off the bus from role models (a tutoring program I went to as a kid and worked for ever so briefly later on in my life) on center ave' and walk it home to say hi to her. She dissappeared and I ended up seeing her later in my life, which was cool. I had my first kiss in milliones with a girl named tonetta, whom liked me but I did'nt even give her 2 thoughts. Let's see.... first full time ...heheh she and I know but I can say that it was to the one I love the most. Which alot of people can't. Well enough about love life.

Like I was saying earlier, my school life was shitty back then. After I was diagnosed with a mental disorder, life got even harder. The tss had to come to school with me. So everyone found out and that was the peak of my lonleyness. I was transferred to greenway because they had "better services for disabled people" I thought it would be nice but going from the most urban school in the innercity to the least made me even more isolated. Something happened eventually. I made friends. There was bryan and gary. And together we cut up! We were all transfered there for the "class" so we all had it hard. But we helped each other through it. Gary had what I call a (real) mental disorder. Which made it hard for him to communicate in perfect english; in fact he sounded like a stereotypical retarded person. It was cool though. And Bryan was mute but.... in a mental way. He talked every blue moon (once or twice) but preferred using his hands to communicate. Not sign lagauge, body language. and we could understand him. Him and me were very into gaming and I remember he even let me borrow his guide to legend of mana once.

I graduated from there in 02' and went to alderdice. High School drama kilt me there. I had a couple of acquantences but was mainly cool with Charmaine and Marcus. Charmaine I met because through a bad acception that she was on the "retard bus" with me and everyone. Only she was'nt retarded. Since I lived close to her I faked it and said i was in a situation like her. She admitted to me later that she coud'nt stand me when I was I kid to which I said "Did we even know each other?" This was the first time since leaving alderdice I realized I forgot mostly everyone arouund my age from the past. Maybe it was selective, maybe not... but somewhere it happened. We became cool friends and when we both got off the retard bus we still went to school together in the mornings threw pat bus. (which I had to BEG my grandma to let me do) I met Marcus thru catching the pat bus in the morning with charmane and we all hung out in the mornings together.

After meeting Shiela through capa orignally thru seeking to date her (I was turned down, though now I'm like....ewww, she's my sister. ; unless I'm drunk, then I just see a female body, thank god I don't get drunk anymore) we became good friends and she was my first best friend. I dated a girl heaven the next year and that SUCKED. We made out alot and such but I relized eventually that what I wanted was a romance not a friends with benefit. So I broke up with her over that and the fact that her being emotional ticked me off. I learned later she lied to a girl that I was going to date and said we were still together (women's scorn, ehh!) I met a girl named lakeeta thru shiela at an anime party at her house. We talked alot (everyday) and I refused to date anyone but her for a while bcause I liked her so much. Alot happened and my stamina wore out. I no longer cared, I was tired of us liking each other but not going together, and I could never see her. So eventually she slipped from my mind. By the time I went to capa (which her and shiela were the reasons why I went besides a Ian's recommendation to go there) i fell out of touch with her. I tried it a few times later but it was futile.

I dated a girl named Kelita through dumb luck and chance in my junior year before meeting lakeeta. and had my first experience with dealing with girlfriend ex's. (she asked me out with the line, "your single, I'm single, let's hook up") This guy was named robert cancer. I hated him with everything I had, and he'd stalk her. (in her own words) He had a head disfurgement condition connected to his spine, so I could'nt fight him, though i was despereate to make him my first. Kelita would stop me. I broke up with her because she was'nt attractive to me anymore. I mad an excuse and called it something else. We still caught the bus together, her home, me to work. We did friends with benefits after a bit. It went farther and farther and eventually we stuck it in. I stopped in the middle of it in fear of not getting caught. I never considered this my first time. We tried to plan to do it a couple of other times.... did'nt happen. I should mention that the year I met kelita was directly after I met Shiela and Melissa, at the Manchester Craftmans guild (a high school arts study program) and GTI (a leadership/anti-drug and addiction camp) respectively. Kelita left before she graduated is something movie-like. Out of the blue she has to leave early for college. She hang out with charmane than with me. I promised her that when she comes back we'll go together. I did actually fufill that promise, though i realize now that I should'nt have.

Well when I went to capa for the first time I enjoyed school. I enjoyed class, I enjoyed the people there. Originally when i went to capa by an extremely early pat bus. Heaven (the ex I could'nt stand) was on it. Until Adrianna (A girl I new from role models and remember buying a funnelcake for at a fair) advised I catch a later bus with her. It was me, her, and Jesse in the mornings. We'd talk, though it was mostly me and her. It's was nice to have someone to talk to in the mornings. I met Mike, Josh, and mike's little bro Chris, and they are awesome people. Everyone else was sorta... WTF, a senior! A NEW SENIOR!!!WTF! about me. A friend of marcus's introduced herself early on, I was happy. Because I was finally getting to know new people there and begin a social life. In the middle of the school year when we had our new classes alot changed. I remember walking into my biology class on my first day and thinking "cool, adams here, open seat" (guy I hung with in gym) then I saw her and thought "wow, she beautiful", then I saw donovan and thought "FUCK!!! HE"S not sitting here!!!" the girl I'm talking about is the love of my life and to answer your questions, yes, indeed he did sit there.

Life was alright there for a while. I was doing sort of a piro from megatokyo thing about her and tried to refrain from letting her know I liked her. (would'nt want to get my hopes up ehh. To be honest I thought she was cute from the day I saw her. Apparently for her it was the day I came in with sunglasses. We talked...or no, we write each other through notes during her class. It was about all sorts of random stuff, sometimes about donovan and how much of an asshole lecher he's being and what we want to do to him, sometimes I'd fall behind and she'd let me copy her notes. Eventually I saw her during lunch and started spending lunch with her. We'd get closer and closer. On valentines day I decided I wanted to ask her out. On valentines day I discovered that Jesse did. On valentines day I began my habit of suporting people I like dating other people. On valentines day, my heart was crushed. I supported her and made the affort to avoid letting her know I like her still. In fact a few days later I intetionally asked a girl Maggie about a girl Alicia knowing she'd tell her I like her. Alicia was someone I knew abosolutely nothing about but our eyes always locked when i'd visit shiela and talk to her in their class. We went together. Somehow 2 events happened that i forogt the order of in this story.

1. She came in one day with adam and she would'nt tell me what's up. I knew that she liked me then because that was the first thing she could'nt tell me. Jesse found out and was um... odd about it. (Now he's confessing all sorts of sweet nothings to her while he's with some other girl)

2. She was walking me to class and we hugged each other. It did'nt feel the way it would normally. I wourked myself up to do it before and when I did it felt like at I ever wanted to do was stay in those arms and be with the person they belong to. Somehow the next day we were walking around biology classes entrance during lunch and we hugged again, onlt we stayed that way. That would happen everyday. Also there was an incident after where we held hands while walking, IDK who started it but I got caught by Alicia. I wasn't a good boyfriend doing that but I did it.

Originally I was'nt sure what to do, and even when she said she chose me, I still was afraid to break up with alicia. Anyway after a while a performance came up that the school got to see. Alicia was out of town. We went to it together. It felt like a date. We held hands during it. Someone cused me out on Alicia's phone and I thought we were broken up. I kissed Jasmine the next day. We had to break up later after being torn apart by her parents (they read an indecent letter) After alot of bumpy roads we are still crazy about each other. I'll be back in college soon for a 3rd time. This time I'm finishing it. I never forgot about that beach trip so we are going on one someday. and I even had my first serious fight with her ex. haha. My life has been unusual but I can say that's it's ben a happy one. There are somethings in her i have'nt mentioned though only because they are'nt something I wanted to write in now. Eventually, I suppose, (when my fingers are'nt cramping from typing this much I'll add more) until then, sayanora.

Photos